AylaJ

aylaj @ 2005-06-16T00:49:00

2005-06-16T04:55:25Z

Chariots Rise - Lizzie West

I never felt this way before
I've seen so many islands
I never felt this way before
In this song here I describe him

The chariots rise
Up high in the sky
What a fool am I
To fall so in love
What a wonderful dream
It seems to be
'Cause I love him

I took the notes of past excursions
And I read them through once more
Only to find them all diversions
From the one true love in store

The chariots rise
Up high in the sky
What a fool am I
To fall so in love
What a wonderful dream
It seems to be
'Cause I love him

Though I have waited long
And they have all been wrong
Now I find in the end
With him I need not pretend

The chariots
They rise up high in the sky
What a fool am I
To fall so in love
What a wonderful dream
It seems to be
'Cause I love him

'Cause I love him

GONE/OVER

2005-05-21T15:53:36Z

"Volcano"

Don't hold yourself like that
You'll hurt your knees
I kissed your mouth and back
But that's all I need
Don't build your world around volcanoes melt you down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea

Don't throw yourself like that
In front of me
I kissed your mouth your back
Is that all you need?
Don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for what I give to you
Is just what i'm going through
This is nothing new
No no just another phase of finding what I really need
Is what makes me bleed
And like a new disease she's still too young to treat
Volcanoes melt me down
She's still too young
I kissed your mouth
You do not need me

aylaj @ 2005-04-04T17:20:00

2005-04-04T21:21:05Z

I can’t stand the rain
Against my window
Bringing back sweet memories
I can’t stand the rain
Against my window
Because he’s not here with me

Hey window pain
Do you remember
How sweet it used to be
When we were together
Everything was so grand
Now that we’re parted
There’s a one sound
That I just can’t stand

I can’t stand the rain
Against my window
Bringing back sweet memories
I can’t stand the rain

aylaj @ 2005-01-24T15:20:00

2005-01-24T20:21:00Z

My feelings for Jake are all but gone other than some residue I guess. I call residue the mere fact that I have the desire to call him every so often. At the present his friends left him to look for a home next year alone. They got there own home without telling him techinically kicking him out of their futre home without an inkling of conderation by informing Jake. He is heartbroken now but I just simply "saw it coming". I constantly questioned his relationship with the people in his home. I think to myself that this yer he just TRULY fucked shit up when it came to relationships with people. He has completely lost my affection other than the gratitude of his future intentions of housing, feeding, and guiding me through england.

ALANIS MORISSETTE LYRICS

"Uninvited"

Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot-blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepherd need shepherd
But you you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate

MMMhmmmm

2005-01-13T06:36:06Z

Me and Bic BEING HOT

[IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/AylaJ/bicandchristina.bmp[/IMG]

Me being CRUNKED on New YEARS 2004!!!!!!! Holla

[IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/AylaJ/me1.gif[/IMG]

George Acting Silly On Halloween 2004

[IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/AylaJ/GeorgeB.gif[/IMG]

Me On Halloween as a Pirate Arrrrrrrrrr! (P.S. A Sexy Pirate)

[IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/AylaJ/H04.gif[/IMG]

Wait...what day is it?

2005-01-13T03:04:32Z

I haven't been feeling much of anything lately no happiness, no saddness, no anger, nothing...

Zero 7 - In The Waiting Line Lyrics
Wait in line
'Till your time
Ticking clock
Everyone stop

Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me
Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me

Woooohh
Do you believe
In what you see
There doesn't seem to be anybody else who agrees with me

Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe in
What you see

Nine to five
Living lies
Everyday
Stealing time
Everyone's taking everything they can
Everything they can
Everyone's taking everything they can
Everything they can

You're Fit but you KNOW it...

2005-01-05T23:18:21Z

Yeah so... I got away with it somehow. He forgave me and George has been the best boyfriend I could ask for. Too bad I kept him and I up all this morning. (I'm exhausted AND hungry)
Vacation is great. I love the fact that my Ducky (george) spends so much time with me and treats me so well. I hope school will be good next year the classes are so interesting.

STUPID STUPID STUPID

2005-01-04T08:10:32Z

I got really drunk by accident after new years eve. I know how dumb on New Years Day... what a great way to start the year out. Well, I wrote a terrible letter to Jake. I am so ashamed.

Hey Jake I'm pretty drunk its 11 pm new years dAY NOT eve but day oh well nothing can be perfect. Like me like you .like us you know. I want to go to england but I am afraid of course! why wouldn't I be I mean come oN! right you just never was honest with me and made me hate you as a scheme to make me get over you! what a fool haha
you BASTARD you son of abtich okay you're mom is nice
I'm sorry I want to see you you hurt me
Really good but little did you know that someone amazing was around the corner that you shooed me to. RIGHT my friend says "are youcopomfortable with sendint his email" I was SAyz I said"He saents worst"
And I mean you play like "I'm skipping pictures of you" "I am wallowing by forgetting you exist" "i am ashamesd to fell in love"
So I think thats worserrrrrrr then me send this drujnk EMAil because I'm boars you know
I'm sorry I care about I iss you well I miss the you from the SUmmer... you know
you know I guess this EMail tests your theory that you'll "NEver be mad at " me. Right because I sat around hoping you'd be nice in an EMail completely head over heels for you for mothns MOnTHS MONTHS you know thinking I love this guy but NOPE no not you you "don't fall in love" you ruin it!
You poo poo on it and that HURT even from far away because "Love is more irrational than hate" Have fun in Leeds! :)
-christina,,,look I spelled it right

I sent an EMail apoligizing but like Bic said, "Frankly, I'm getting bored of you and Jake. Its ridiculous. YOu love each other then you don't then you love eachother then you don't." I laughed and told her she was completely right.
On an incredably GREAT note
George and I have grown closer by the second. I finally met his mom, whom I have been terrified of. She is very tiny lol for some reason I imagined someone WAY more intimidating like my first boyfriend's mom. His brothers loved me and I did a great job. Other than that him and I are growing together and our relationship is incredably mature and stable. YAY YAY YAY its not love...YET I bet you months from now or years who knows (all I know is we'll be together for a long time) maybe then it will turn to love

Out of the Indigo Clearing

2004-12-26T04:29:33Z

Jabba7805: Good night
Ayla1188: jake
Ayla1188: when did you come on?
Ayla1188: wait...
Ayla1188: please let me read your EMail and be able to talk to you about it
Jabba7805: ok. I will log back on in a few minutes
Ayla1188: okay thank you
Jabba7805 signed off at 10:28 PM
Jabba7805 signed on at 10:32 PM
Jabba7805: I'm back
Ayla1188: Wow I didn't know you were so eloquent
Jabba7805: I'm also tired
Ayla1188: thank you so much... thank you so so so much

I had spoken to Jake earlier this morning to say Merry Christmas and ask about the sad EMail he sent me. He dodged the question the said "I'm miserable" I asked him what was making him miserable and he said nothing. I said "I am giving up on you because 5 seconds ago you were miserable now nothing is makind you that way. I repeatedly tried to explain to him I could help him if he let me. He then starts to change the subject and I said "This isn't fair you never stay on topic tell me whats wrong" He asked me what I got for Christmas and I said "Your Balls you left them here" He told me he wasn't over me but that wasn't making him miserable. Anyhow, I asked him if he was a different person in America and he said no. We hung up with him promising to call me and me telling him I didn't think I wanted to see him in march anymore. GUESS WHAT HAPPENED

Subject: Christmas
Date: 12/25/2004 10:22:02 PM Eastern Standard Time
From: Jake.Barr@newcastle.ac.uk
Reply To:
To: Ayla1188@aol.com

Hey, Happy Christmas, you have still got a few hours of the big day left
as i'm writing this, but here in England we are 2 hours into Boxing Day.
(I don’t think you have that there do you, i'm not sure what it means,
just some stupid English thing I guess) Well anyway I may as well stop
changing the subject and get to the point of the e-mail.
I have been thinking about you all day, since your phone call. It was
strange it made me feel really happy but also made me want to cry at
the same time. I know you’re not happy with me and I think I finally
might actually understand why. Once again straying from the point .....
well here goes. It's going sound corny and maybe pretentious but i want
you to know I am really trying to be honest.

As I told you after the phone call I went to my aunt’s house to do the big
family thing. It's definitely my favourite part about Christmas so I spent
the whole day playing with my cousins. So anyway I was playing with my
youngest cousin Benjamin who is 10 months old. The little guy is so fat,
he really is a little miracle. He was born two months premature and was
about the size of my hand and 10 months later he is huge and for the most
part healthy. So I am playing with him and thinking about you and I think
the thought struck me I’m an idiot. An absolute fucking idiot. When a
relationship ends and you break up with someone generally there is some
obvious reason why it should end. (ie Someone always acts like a prick)
But in our case the only reason was that I had to go home. So I came home
still loving you and I guess you still loved me. I needed to make you hate
me. So I tried to limit my contact with you, and your response was FUCK
OFF!. But I realised that I didn’t want you to hate me, so for a while I
acted normally to you.. But there was a problem I knew I had to get over
you, the obvious problem being that I still loved you. That was were all
of the life shit came from, I read all of the messages again and know
exactly why you thought I was a different person here. The Jake you know
tried to understand you as much as he could, the twat with the e-mails was
thinking only of himself. (I haven’t got split personalities it was just
easier to explain it that way). It sounds like we never really met, but I
remember every second of it and I don’t want to tarnish that memory by
being a prick anymore. I want to be honest I know I have said that before
but this time I think I really mean it. In explaining the way I have
acted, I seem to have left out the way I feel now . Well I still love you,
I always will but I think I may actually be over you (though the fact I’m
writing this at 3am may say I’m not actually there yet). I remember you
asked me if I had cried over you and I said no. Well that’s not exactly
true now. When you called me up and told about the high level HPV thing
you scared the shit out of me. I was terrified, the thought of living in a
world without you was devastating. I want to see you again not because I
want to sleep with you but because I want to know your OK and that the
Christina I know exists. Its your choice about coming to see me in march
and it sounds like you may have already made up your mind, but I want you
to know even if you don’t come I will see you again. That is a promise I
will keep. Shit I’m almost crying as I write this it’s what I should have
done months ago, and I guess doing it now is selfish of me. But I feel I
need to be honest now, I know it doesn’t make up for all the pain I caused
you and I also think I say sorry too much and will try to stop. I think
honesty could be the key to finnaly getting over you and making myself
happy again. It’s not your fault I’m sad, obviously. But as you well know
heartbreak sucks and until (as you put it) “you send me my balls back”
I’m going to have to wallow in self pity sometimes. I hope I don’t cause
you too much pain in doing so.
This may be longest e-mail I have ever written and definitely the most
self-centered one, there must be like a million I’s in it, but I hope it
isn’t pretentious or untrue. I’m trying because I know it is important not
just to me but to you as well that I’m honest. Please don’t give up on me,
I want to know you for the rest of my life. If your patient I think I’m
finally ready to talk to somebody about my life and I hope you can listen
and understand.

I thought I had figured out why I was being a prick, but the more I look
at it the more it seems like an excuse. Maybe I am just a prick, but for
the moment I’m a happy prick.( Never thought I would say that). Little
babies have a habit of making you feel like that. I’m going to see the
baby again in a few hours and help look after him for the day. He is so
cool

Happy Christmas Egypt

Jake

Ps I will call you soon I hope, but I’m sure when as I will be out for
most of the week as I think I’m going to Leeds to stay at Alex’s for the
new year celebrations

Pps If there is any stupid mistakes, its because I’m writing it in the
middle of the night, I’m really tired

Ppps In case you are wondering I’m not drunk, because my horrible auntie
veronica is staying with us and if I had absolutely anything to drink, I
would tell her how everyone feels about her which would not go down well.
Oh yeah it snowed tonight, my first ever white christmas and I killed my
28 year old cousin in a snowball fight.(not literally)

One Flew Ovet the Cuckoo's Nest

2004-12-25T02:56:28Z

JAKE IS GOING INSANE HONESTLY---------------------

Subject: RE: Letter to the editor
Date: 12/23/2004 7:45:06 AM Eastern Standard Time
From: Jake.Barr@newcastle.ac.uk
Reply To:
To: Ayla1188@aol.com

Hi,

You really are smart aren't you, that letter to the editor reads like a
perfect essay. I hope your exams were that good. Thanks once again for
summing up my character so succinctly, i don't get how you can understand
me in a way i can't even imagine myself. You are TRULLY special. You seem
happier and more in control of your emotions, which has got to be good. I
wish i could be in that position, i think i'm just gonna stick to getting
drunk with my friends and pretending everything is ok though. That doesn't
really seem to be a long term sollution. Maybe i might have to change. On
a more positive note i went to a friends 21st birthday party last week and
was amazed how my social skills have improved. I was able to talk to
people who i had 3 years earlier in school, its strange that after not
seeing some one for long time you really do forget why you hated them in
the first place. One last question? When you spoke to my friend Rob on the
telephone, did you tell him i was unhappy? Because for some reason all my
friends in Newcastle wanted to know what was wrong with me and seemed to
be seriously concerned. They have all been calling me since i came home to
check i'm ok. It's really weird

Jake

ps Happy Xmas

Grosse Point FUCK YOU

2004-12-21T04:14:59Z

From Christina J Hill <christina.hill@huskymail.uconn.edu>
Sent Friday, December 17, 2004 9:58 pm
To Jake Barr <jake.barr@newcastle.ac.uk>
Cc
Bcc
Subject
Dear Jake,
You mixed me up real good last night. My emotions are like a storm right now. There are feelings that I forgot I had. It isn't fair.
Why do you say one thing when you mean another...then a good amount of time later finally come clean with your true feelings. If they even are your true feelings.
Please tell me what you want besides me being happy.
Give me some answers with some honesty.
-Chrisitna

--------------------

From Jake.Barr@newcastle.ac.uk
Sent Monday, December 20, 2004 9:57 pm
To Christina J Hill <christina.hill@huskymail.uconn.edu>
Cc
Bcc
Subject Re: Life
Dear Christina,

Sorry for replying so late, i haven't checked my emails for a while. In
response to your question, i guess I'm just an idiot. It's not like I'm
ever trying to mislead you and honestly this time you know my true
feelings. I thought you always had. What do i want from you? Nothing. I
don't expect or desire anything except your happiness. That is how i truly
feel. I could selfishly say other things but they wouldn't be my true
feelings. Honestly i can't see myself in any situation which involves you
being happy, i'm just too far away. So choose life.Live, have fun and be
happy.

Jake

ps A quote from my favourite film "If you love someone set them free, if
they come back there broken". I will always love you but realistically i
can never really be with you. I know you understand.

------------------

Subject: Fwd: Grosse point Blank
Date: 12/20/2004 11:06:06 PM Eastern Standard Time
From: Ayla1188
Reply To:
To: Jake.Barr@newcastle.ac.uk

Jake,
Honestly, you definitly stirred the pot with my emotions but luckily since the last time you were in my presence I have been able to control them much better. I thought about you and what I wished I could have had before you left. However, this sudden surge came to me right before I went to bed a few days ago. I started thinking about George and how consistent, honest, caring, nurturing, and compasionate he was. Did I mention consistent?
Jake... of course I didn't know how you truly felt you were either telling me dichotomies or nothing at all. I'm sorry but you're right about the not being happy part and I personally don't beleive it has anything to do with the distance.
I love you very very much and I explained to George that I wanted to go to England because by the time the summer rolled around I had lost my spirit. When I stayed with Wendy she gave me enough to have confidence to work at Upward Bound. I told him that when I met you ...eventhough you had your own issues and problems you still gave me a part of your spirit to complete mine. For that I'll always be thankful, in your debt, and conneceted to you.
I understand what you were saying. But Jake the only thing I TRULY wished for, especially as of late, was not to pack my shit and run away to England. I TRULY wished that you would have been less cryptic and wavering about your feelings. It would have been easier for the both of us if you just let yourself feel the pain and told me about it. I could have helped you and I also beleive it wouldn't have been such a struggle and dragged out as long as it did. Now you know for the future that admitting you are sad or lonely isn't a weakness and in the end more benificial than bottling it up inside. I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you.
-Christina Hill
P.S. (Check out the Letter to the Editor I sent to my state's Newspaer)

For those who do not watch Reality Television I am willing to divuldge it is my guilty pleasure. During this year's season of the Amazing Race, real life couples race around the world for 1 Million dollars. A certain couple named Johnathan and Victoria are eeringly similar to a Lifetime Special concerning abuse in affluent marriages. Johnathan has repeatedly degraded, verbally bombarded, and raised his hand in threat towards his wife Victoria. In a recent episode Johnathan is furious that his wife retreived and carried his bag that he tossed to the side during a race to the finish line. He vehemently repremends Victoria and proceeds to shove her in front of the host, crew, and on lookers. Nothing was said to Johnathan about his inappropriate behavior.
Unfortunately, the CBS network beleives that abuse is only that of sever physical means. Abuse comes in many forms and there is no doubt that Victoria experience this in front of the players, crew, and now the entire nation.
I do have to say that I am appalled and disgusted that the CBS network has chosen to ignore the abuse that Victoria had experience on the Amazing Race. I understand this network's desire for ratings but it should not be at the expense of a woman desprately in need of help. I cannot beleive that the host and the producers of the show have such little compassion for woman that they allow the depiction of Johnathan's pathetic overbearing abusive nature to be treated like a common lover's squabble.
At the very least the behavior of Johnathan should be discouraged. Allowing such behavior to continue without a morsel of shame or repremending towards Johnathan publically shows the network's overwhelming ignorace. It also shows the network's lack of regard towards women and the abuses thrusted upon them by an uncaring media ring that fails to see the significance of television's influence in the lives and oppinion of people who participate in watching said program.
Although I rarely watch television, I truly enjoyed the Amazing Race. Yet, now after the blatant disregard to the emotional and physical well being of Victoria. I will digress in lieu of the program and declare my television the "Idiot Box".

Last Kiss Goodnight

2004-12-17T13:26:52Z

Subj: Re: OK
Date: 12/16/2004 3:25:49 PM Eastern Standard Time
From: Ayla1188
To: Jake.Barr@newcastle.ac.uk

God Damnit Jake you gave me a heart attack!
I IMed you to see how your birthday was and you signed off without a word! I thought you were angry I couldn't call.
Then I get your EMail that everything is fine and you aren't upset. What is wrong with you!
I'm sorry you got sick on your birthday I would have spoken to you but yesterday I was so busy running around studying. And there hasn't been water on half the campus since 6 pm yesterday and its currently 3:15 pm. EWW and oh yeah I don't have money on my calling card as of yet.
Oh... I hate you so much! When I thought you were mad my eyes teared up. I can't even imagine how you felt when I was mad at you (I was fully justified for feeling that way of course) Why do you still have the power to tug on my heart strings.
You bastard...
I'm sure Lilac made your birthday extra special. My package is nearly complete for you. I just got to take something back from my mom thats actually for you. haha
-Christina

IM Later that Night>>>>>>>>>>>

Jabba7805: Hey are you there?

Auto response from Ayla1188: Studying
And oh, yeah!... Mmmm PussY!

Jabba7805: Nice away message.
Ayla1188: hey
Ayla1188: why are you awake?
Jabba7805: i've just got home
Ayla1188: what its like 2 am there right?
Ayla1188: are you drunk?
Jabba7805: 3
Jabba7805: not really
Jabba7805: maybe a little bit
Ayla1188: haha yeah
Ayla1188: you are
Jabba7805: i'm watching cricket on tv
Jabba7805: How's studying?
Ayla1188: did lilac make anything for you for your birthday?
Ayla1188: studying..I'm doing that right now
Jabba7805: No she gave me a card though
Ayla1188: I did not so hot on my final today for fem. in the arts I'm pretty damn sure about that
Jabba7805: Nevermind
Jabba7805: Dont worry about it
Ayla1188: its hard not to worry about
Jabba7805: My sister wrote here own name on my Birthday card
Jabba7805: It was so sweet
Jabba7805: Your smart i'm sure you did fine
Ayla1188: of course your her big brother my neice wrote for my 20th birthday "I remember when I was born and you were holding me" lol
Jabba7805: I'm guessing she didnt actually remember.lol
Ayla1188: no
Ayla1188: so now you're legal to drink in america
Jabba7805: yeah. it makes such a big difference
Jabba7805: Everyone in the club i was in tonight was younger than me
Ayla1188: LOSER
Jabba7805: I know. I'm an old man
Ayla1188: honestly
Ayla1188: did you read my email
Ayla1188: the water JUST came back
Jabba7805: cool
Jabba7805: Why do i still miss you?
Ayla1188: what?
Ayla1188: lol is that an actual question or in your drunkeness you spelled it wrong
Jabba7805: no pretty sure i got it right
Ayla1188: you asked me why you still miss me?
Jabba7805: yeah
Ayla1188: because I still miss you
Jabba7805: thanks. it makes me feel better
Ayla1188: I still think about you
Jabba7805: I still think about you
Jabba7805: My friends were talking about you tonight
Jabba7805: Alex said you were beautiful
Jabba7805: dont know whre he got that idea
Jabba7805: lol
Ayla1188: you're drunk right now I shouldn't take anything you say seriously
Ayla1188: I'm afraid to go to england
Jabba7805: dont be
Ayla1188: seeing you might kill me
Jabba7805: It won't
Jabba7805: Although i am really handsome.lol
Ayla1188: aren't you afraid of me coming?
Jabba7805: Sort of
Jabba7805: Like if i see again, i might still love you
Jabba7805: and never want to be with anyone else
Jabba7805: you know the usual shit
Ayla1188: I am gambling here
Jabba7805: why?
Ayla1188: I think about you even when I am with george
Jabba7805: Forget me
Ayla1188: I'm trying
Ayla1188: fuck you I"m trying
Jabba7805: Though not all the time
Jabba7805: I could never forget you
Ayla1188: why do you wnt me to forget about you
Jabba7805: Cos it isn't healthy
Ayla1188: so I'm some sicko in the US
Ayla1188: that pines away for something I couldn't have
Jabba7805: Do you believe i think that?
Ayla1188: sometimes
Jabba7805: I sometimes miss you so much, i dont know what to do
Jabba7805: I kno you have got a new boyfriend. But it still hurts
Jabba7805: missed out a w
Ayla1188: a w?
Jabba7805: yeah on know
Ayla1188: what...
Jabba7805: read the last thing
Ayla1188: alright
Jabba7805: sorry
Jabba7805: I'm going to sleep
Jabba7805: I still miss you
Ayla1188: Jake!
Jabba7805: And will never be upset with you
Jabba7805: Good night
Ayla1188: Goodnight Jake please know that there is a part of my heart that I can't give to anyone else but you
Jabba7805: i know
Jabba7805: please come and see me
Jabba7805: I would love to see you one last time
Jabba7805: If that's what's going to be
Ayla1188: why does it have to be like this?
Jabba7805: It doesn't
Jabba7805: I'm an idiot
Jabba7805: Life's easy. You just have to be happy!
Ayla1188: no its not!
Ayla1188: its unfair
Ayla1188: and certain people are idiots
Ayla1188: I'll be here
Ayla1188: you do what you need to do
Ayla1188: but I'll be here
Ayla1188: goodnight Jake I"m sorry for letting you know i sill love you
Jabba7805: I know. Goodnight. Loves a bitch
Jabba7805: Goodnight hot-tie
Jabba7805 signed off at 10:48:45 PM.

Fuck this SHIT

2004-12-12T06:19:59Z

This is the convo I had with George Explaining why I am upset...

Holmes90: so tell me about katie...
Ayla1188: uch
Ayla1188: well
Ayla1188: we were hanging out and things were great
Ayla1188: so umm
Holmes90: . . .
Ayla1188: we went to eat at oriental cafe and she tells me that carrie and her talked things over
Ayla1188: so I was like alright... so how did that go?
Ayla1188: she said that Carrie was pissed at Katie for being angry (Now mind you Carrie hooked up and slept over the guy's room that told everyone Katie wanted anal sex so bad that he had to turn her down repeatedly because he didn't want **** dick)
Ayla1188: so personally I felt she had no right and so thats when I started feeling anger inside of me and Katie continued
Ayla1188: so anyway
Ayla1188: Carrie bitched about Katie being upset and Katie cried all night long then She told Carrie that she hurt her feelings and then she told her that she didn't beleive what she told lanna (that she didn't hook up with dave she just slept over::a blatant Lie::) and asked her to tell her the truth
Ayla1188: anyway Carrie suddenly changes her story that she only "kissed him" to which Katie says she know is a lie but since she has forgiven Carrie she is sure if she asks Carrie a few more times she'll eventually tell her the truth
Ayla1188: Anger level once again rises even more
Ayla1188: At this point I tell her that I am beyond upset that Carrie's behavior warented only one day of silent treatment from Katie and that Katie saw nothing wrong in the fact that Carrie not only lied once but lied twice about being with someone that degraded Katie
Ayla1188: Then I said that it was obvious Carrie had no shame when she was angry at Katie intially when Carrie had obviously violated and disrepected Katie by being with someone that degraded Katie repeatedly and spread terrible rumors
Ayla1188: Katie then starts defending Carrie saying that Carrie didn't understand that what she was doing was wrong and after Katie explained to Carrie that actions like that can hurt someones feelings Carrie took back being upset initially
Holmes90: i can't believe this is a fioght over dave....that guy is creepy and annoying.
Ayla1188: this fight isn't over dave
Ayla1188: that is what Katie said and its not over dave its about Carrie being a disrepectful manipulative bitch posing as a friend
Holmes90: ok
Holmes90: so katie began to get angry when you attacked carrie?
Holmes90: and that got you in trouble...
Ayla1188: oh it gets better
Ayla1188: more complicated inthat
Ayla1188: I told Katie that Carrie should have never did what she did and I would have understood forgiving her in one day if she only did one of the things that she did all in one day
Ayla1188: hooking up with Dave after further spreading the shit he said to everyone BUT Katie then getting made a Katie and lying to Lanna about hooking up to save face then making excuses that she doesn't know what right and wrong is and making pretend she'll never do what she should have never done in the first place is UNFORGIVABLE and rotten
Ayla1188: Katie said to me: Christina you know how you said you don't like people talking shit about your friends. Well I'm going to tell you not to talk shit about Carrie because she is my friend.
Ayla1188: Anger level hightened by a million so I told Katie that Carrie isn't a friend because friends don't do those things and it really gets me mad that Katie would stand up to me saying things that Carrie did not SHIT talk but doesn't even spend more than one day standing up to Carrie who hooked up with Dave who talked shit
Ayla1188: finally I said I didn't want to talk about any of it because it was getting me angry and I don't want to hear about Katie getting taken advantage of
Ayla1188: so we dropped it
Ayla1188: but then Katie would start bringing it up again in the defense of Carrie
Ayla1188: she did this several times and i dropped it several times
Ayla1188: but then when we got back to my room Katie insisted on called Carrie to make sure she was okay "Becuase when Carrie drinks and wanders she always does something not good." When the reality of it was she was checking up on her drunk ass to make sure she doesn't go off and hook up with Dave and make Katie look like a bigger fool
Ayla1188: anyway what are thinking of this situation thus far
Holmes90: well...
Holmes90: i dunno
Ayla1188: haha you're tip toeing
Holmes90: last time i got involved you got mad...
Ayla1188: haha I know...
Ayla1188: I just mean GOD I don't want you to hate me after all this
Holmes90: i don't
Ayla1188: now
Holmes90: you didn't do anything but try to be a good friend why would i hate you
Ayla1188: because I hate myself right now
Holmes90: :-(
Ayla1188: let me continue
Ayla1188: well me Laila and Katie get into it of course
Ayla1188: I told her that it was becoming increasingly hard to watch Katie blame herself for things she never asked for
Ayla1188: Katie was saing how she should have been more specific with Katie about dave
Ayla1188: and it was her fault for hooking up with dave after carrie did
Holmes90: i feel bad for lanna if she's in the middle of this.
Ayla1188: the more she blamed herself the more I was fuming I could literally feel ike there was something boiling in me I was so mad that I thought I escaped Carrie and now here she is after 3 years making my friends feel like her inconderate faulty nature is their fault
Ayla1188: I told Katie that knowing someone hurts her hurts me and I can't sit around and watch Carrie do this... that someone crossing my friends once is hard enough for me to handle and this was not the first time she has done this to Katie
Ayla1188: Katie started making more excuses for Carrie then I just went nuts my voice got loud and I yelled that I couldn't beleive how much she gets away with and if I even did something remotely close to what she did her, lanna, and carrie would not be giving me this much leaniancy... that Katie won't listen to any of my advice and oppionions and I didn't even do anything to her once in my life but Carrie gets more clout screwing with assholes that fuck Katie over
Holmes90: wow
Ayla1188: Carrie calls and Katie takes the call so I yell You're a fucking bitch Carrie I'm leaving the fucking room
Ayla1188: well when i got back to the room I was repremended and I was so mad I took my room phone and called her room
Ayla1188: Katie starts yelling at me and when some random guy picks up I ask for Lanna katie just keeps sreaming the guy said Lanna wasn't there so I said "Who the fuck is this?" the guy said it was Tom so Told tome to tell Carrie that Christina wants to talk to her
Ayla1188: so tom told her and i said now ask her if she wants to talk to me Katie is saying how everyone in the suites is going to know
Ayla1188: So the guy sayd Carrie wants to talk to you so i told him to ask her if she was sure and if she understood what we were going to talk about
Ayla1188: he does this and he says its about Katie
Ayla1188: Katie stops screaming and sits down
Ayla1188: Carrie takes the phone and says hello and I say "Carrie I want to know your reasoning for has happened" then carrie babbles something from her mouth and I ask if she is drunk she says YEAH ARE YOU? Katie starts crying so I tell Carrie I don't want to talk to her when she is drunk and I hung up the phone
Holmes90: a storm is rising...
Ayla1188: Katie flips out on me telling me about how disrespectful I am and then Carrie calls Katie (of course why would she confront me) Katie starts begging for Carries forgiveness while Carrie screams at Katie telling her that she shouldn't sick me on her basically And Katie begs that she didn't ask me to call (eventhough I didn't say anything) after apoligizing profusley I yell into the phone that Katie didn't tell me to call and I start grabbing my socks and shoes and coat
Ayla1188: I don't know who hung up on who but Katie starts asking me where I was going and I told her that I couldn't be around her or carrie's phone calls ... that I am the bad guy now for defending Katie and I can't stand that what I did is considered worse than what Carrie did
Ayla1188: so katie starts frantically saying that she can't go back to her room because of Carrie and she didn't know where to go so i told her she could obviously stay on my bed but i wasn't going to be sleeping in the room I was too upset to even deal with everything
Holmes90: was this tonight?
Ayla1188: (last night, unfortuately it spills to the morning) Then she says everyone in the suites are going to know and I ask her how they could possibly know who would tell them and she yells Carrie so I said back now why would she do that? Katie said Because she is drunk and I said no because shes a bitch (Carrie called and Katie dutifully picks up the phone begging for Carries forgiveness) I grab my shit and leave
Ayla1188: Next morning comes and Laila calls me letting me know that she tried to explain to Katie that I was upset because I felt that I cared more about Katie's life than Katie did But Katie wouldn't stop talking about refusing to lose friends over a boy and Laila was frustrated tying to explain to her I wasn't angry because of a boy
Ayla1188: when I get to my room (I stayed with brian at towers) There is this 4 page note telling me how wonderful carrie is how wonderful I am then how horrible I am for last night and in short that she only wants me as a friend to complain and not for advice so me taking control of the situation made me a terrible friend
Ayla1188: eventhough Ididn't say anything to Carrie that I really wanted to
Ayla1188: so I IMed Katie saying I wanted to sit down with her and then later Carrie and I wasn't going to talk to Carrie about Katie and Dave it was going to be about other stuff and this wasn't for Katie's sake it was for mine
Ayla1188: of course I get a response back with Katie trying to protect Carrie from me saying that I have no issues that have anything to do with Carrie
Ayla1188: I was sick of it I called bic and talked to her and she said something that rang true that what Katie did was a slap in the face to our friendship and that defending someone is clearly not disrespecting them and if the person considers it that I'm not the friend for them. That I am not the type of friend you complain to and do nothing about your problems... She said "That just isn't you. Its not your personality." It finally helped me understand why everything was making me so mad
-----I eventually felt Guilty for keeping George online during the Weekend so ensured him we'd talk about it when he got back to school---
To continue where I left off...
I got frustrated and said fuck I told katie that her and Carrie could go fuck themselves... so on so fourth. I pretty much told Katie I could be her friend because it stressed me out too much and that she always complains but refuses to do anything about the situation she is upset about or let me help. I said she takes too many risks on top of letting people walk all over her. She lets men degrade her and that she made me beyond worried and upset when she ran off with a guy retarded drunk leaving me stranded in some random guys room all night and morning worried because she said she'd come back in a half hour and didn't get into contact with me until 4 pm the next day.
Then I said I couldn't stand being her friend is she would allow the devil to be her friend again. I said that I hate carrie and it makes me even more angry that she would give more consideration to a girl who fucks an asshole then fake apoligizes after lies over me who hasn't screwed her over once in my entire life. I said I don't need that in my life.
I put up my away message that said:
If it's infected then cut it off...
Latin:
Vir sapit qui pauca loquitur
Translation:
It is a wise man who speaks little

She wrote to my away message: Real nice away message what a great friend you are.
---Yeah too bad I didn't fuck Dave too maybe you'd like me more--
Carrie You are out of my life and that is a wonderful thing. I just want to say one thing to you. People like you are always caugt for the nasty manipulative liars that you are. You're going to die lonely if you keep it up. You'll get your come up'ns

Soundtrack to my Life

2004-12-08T20:43:23Z

This song is fucking awsome. It also reminds me of the month when Jake devestated me and pushed me away from him.

Never There
(Cake)

I need your arms around me, I need to feel your touch
I need your understanding, I need your love so much
You tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
But when I need you baby, you’re never there

On the phone long, long distance
Always through such strong resistance
First you say you’re too busy
I wonder if you even miss me

Never there
You’re never there
You’re never, ever, ever, ever there

A golden bird that flies away, a candle’s fickle flame
To think I held you yesterday, your love was just a game
A golden bird that flies away, a candle’s fickle flame
To think I held you yesterday, your love was just a game

You tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
But when I need you baby
Take the time to get to know me
If you want me why can’t you just show me
We’re always on this roller coaster
If you want me why can’t you get closer?

Never there
You’re never there
You’re never ever ever ever there

Talking an angel down from heaven...

2004-12-06T19:19:02Z

I had an amazing night with George. I truly enjoyed his company and I feel so close to him. It isn't love I know the difference. When I was with Jake it felt so natrual, like I was breathing. George is a completely different feeling but not love.
Jake still doesn't know about George and I... all of my friends are wondering if that is going to affect my trip to England in March.
When I spoke to Jake on the telephone Thanksgiving he seemed flippant about him and I. I semi-joked asking if him and I could have sex when I got there and he quickly cut me off saying, "I don't know. I don't know if I can make that kind of commitment." I got so angry.
I snapped back, "What the fuck are you talking about!?" Hello I've been the one dating since September not him.
He nervously responded to me, "I mean I don't know where my life will be by then. I didn't mean to say commitment because you haven't asked me to commit to anything (Me: No shit.) I guess commitment means something else in America."
I retaliated, "Go fuck yourself Jake we both speak english. Don't give me that commitment means something else,obviously we both won't know where we'll be at in March. Are you saying that because you're dating someone right now? If you are thats fine I mean I'm dating too."
He tells me that he isn't dating anyone and but his friends have tried to set him up with a few girls and the ALL liked him but he didn't like them. I asked him why he hasn't given any of them a chance and he responded he just didn't like any of them enough to do so. He then asked me if I was seeing "whats his name", I told him I was still seeing George to where he responded by teasing George's name. (Really mature)
Then I asked him why he hasn't dated, surely his feelings for me must have changed by now. When there was silence I said, "Have your feelings changed?"
He quickly says, "You mean do I still love you? Yes, I do. Of course I do." I wasn't asking him if he still loved me in that way I meant if its changed like mine has. I can be with other people now...obviously I'm with George I was asking him if it was the same for him. He did spend so much energy trying to push me away for months.
He keeps repeating that he still loves me and I repond with I still miss you. Then I he says, "I just don't understand what you want from me when you get here." I tell him that all I want is for him to be kind to me. He assures me he can do that and we hang up.
Now how do I tell him I am official. Such a weird conversation I don't know if I should be delicate and wait a bit longer or be quick and frank about it. Why does he enjoy being so cryptic? I wish I was so good at charming people that I could talk the angels from heaven... I've met a lot of guys like that (I don't trust them).

I'm back....

2004-12-02T03:30:45Z

Yeah so I'm back at UConn I've been here for about four days and let me tell you I knew within one day why I went back home. I can't wait til fimals! Then I can go home and rest. Well George and I are official now...
Nov. 29
Goodluck to me and him

Home sweet Home

2004-11-20T04:49:31Z

I don't know why or how but I am home. I avoided this place like the plague in the summer and now this place is my refuge.
I'm to feel better physically...and feel better about myself.

aylaj @ 2004-11-09T17:46:00

2004-11-09T22:47:14Z

White Town Lyrics

Going Nowhere Somehow Lyrics

Take a look at where you're going
Do you know where you come from?
Seems like you've spent your life just searching
In the length of just one song
But you know you're going nowhere
Like so many of your age
This has gone on far too long now
To be dismissed as another phase

Well you can turn the clock back
Pretend that you're still young and unaware
But everything that you lack weighs upon your mind
When she's not there

I don't want to break your heart
I don't want to let you down
It's just that I always thought
Life would be more than just
Going nowhere somehow

Now your friends are disappearing
They're getting scarcer day by day
You've only got yourself to blame for that
You always wanted things that way
Cause it's easier being lonely
Than being let down again and again
When you're standing on the edge of things
It means you never have to pretend

Well you can turn the clock back
And hope that you're still young and unaware
But everything that you lack
Weighs upon your mind when she's not there

I don't want to break your heart
I don't want to let you down
It's just that I always thought
Life would be more than just
Going nowhere somehow

I Voted Today...

2004-11-08T19:32:03Z

Well, I guess its time for an entry about the Election outcome. I have been avoiding it but I can no longer.
As a middle half african-american half puerto rican Bisexual Female... I am FUCKED
Our reproductive rights are threatened by one vote. We will not have abortion by the end of Bush's 4 year terms. Birth Control will barely be covered by insurance, making contraceptives unaffordable to those that can not afford to become pregnant.
Gay Marriage has been banned in all 11 states given the ability to vote for Same-Sex Marraige.
HOW DARE YOU HOW DARE HOW DARE YOU! What threat do Same-Sex Marriages have on your own or the "Sanctity" of marraige itself! Forshame and much luck and love to the couples who deserve to recognize their relationship under the court of law despite other prejudice individuals that can not see the similarity of Same-Sex Marraige and the June 12, 1967 court decision of Loving VS the Virginia (The legalization of interaccial marraige).
He has begun discussing invading IRAN. Unlike, Iraq it is a widely known !FACT! IRAN has Weapons of Mass Destruction. Our troops are spread thin between Iraq and Afghanistan dying in high numbers. The back door draft will be aided by increased benifits for those that join the military. Bush will make the military "look pretty" to those who families have lost jobs and have slid down in Economic Growth (the wet side that has been making the poor poorer). These people who have little skills due to the budget cuts in education and little money due to the increase in poverty and unemplyment will have no other choice but the military. (More masses to fight the war)
The unimportant in Bush's eyes will be sent to die in the third country of the US's version of the crusade. Our country will be in more danger than before.
The best part about everything...Practically all of the states whose electoral vote chose Kerry would be the targe of the Weapons of Mass Destruction.

FUCK YOU Bible belt. While you yolkes "Uh-hyup" like Goofy to the moral values of the Bush Administration the Independents, Green Partiers, and Democrats are second guessing their daily trip on the subway to work or that trip abroad they saved up for.
You Fucked Everything up...It makes me think. Maybe God does love bush. During the BUSH vs GORE election in 2000 I prayed and said, "Well, God. Just have whoever is best for this country be elected." Bush won and I questioned but accepted. Then like never before religion clearly began to piss on state like a territorial dog. The Christian Coalition began to climb, claw, bless, and pray its way to the top of the political circuit making itself a force to be recond with. They organized whole churches to tell there people to come to the church on election day to vote for bush and god.
Maybe God does hate Gays, thinks that women are not only the origional sinners but can not make decisions for themselves which is why men make laws for us, maybe Islam and terrorists are the same bastards from the Crusades when the English vowed to fight in the name of God (Maybe we are here to finish the job), Maybe God does love America and knows whats best which is BUSH...Maybe
I have friends that say "Its like the end of the world." NO! America is not the world GROW UP Rome fell trying to control the Middle East, England fell trying to conrtol the middle east, Now Whose turn is it to fall and start crying like a 3 yr old that scraped its knee?

(SAD AND Afraid to travel to Amsterdam and England)

GO to hell Bush

It's been confirmed

2004-11-07T04:31:09Z

Well I have been having the biggest problems eating in this past month. My stomach was killing me before and for a week straight when I had endless midterms essays and exams I couldn't hold down a meal. I was so sick. Anyway, I didn't get a chance to eat all day and I couldn't fall asleep (insomnia is a common symptom for those who aren't getting enough to eat). I took a shower at 3 am and then looked online for tickets to Idaho. Suddenly, it struck me I should look for tickets to England as well. I found tickets to England that cost only $360 round trip.
Earlier I was in a delema, should I go to England like Jake asked despite the fact I might still be with George. My father added to my confusion by plainly stating he thinks I should go to England and see Jake instead of going to Idaho to see Wendy. WOW Out of nowhere he brings this up!
So, it turned out it was less expensive to get tickets for England Spring Break than it was to get tickets for Idaho. I had to make a choice. Well I voted for John Kerry at 7 am, ate breakfast went to bed. When I woke up I faced my dilemmas.
Should I go to see Wendy in Idaho for $500 thanksgiving break but come when her family hasn't had an income for six months. I would be a burden on them and I would be traveling on a plane by myself to the middle of nowhere.
I could go to England but I would have to make that decision before Thanksgiving meaing I'd have to tell George that I was going to England and the inevitable "Talk about our relationship" would come way sooner than I wanted and was ready for.
I spoke with pedro on the phone and he said to me... "Why are you having such a hard time making a decision?". Then I said "Because I have to play my cards right." He started laughing at me, which of course made me angry. Then he said "Cards, Christina? You aren't playing poker for god's sake. Whether or not you and George stay together and whether or not you and Jake have romantic interests, if you go to england you're going to have fun. You will always have that special spontaneous Spring Break in the year 2005 where you three your money at a trip to England."
Those words could have possible changed my life because I hung up with him called my father and had him buy the tickets that I found online. Wendy should be able to understand that I am young and KNOW she will be my friend for a long time to come BUT will I always have the chance to go to England? Will I always have the chance to live out a story book plot to see the man I love who is across an oceaN? Let me be stupid and young and hopeful.
I called Jake and didn't get a hold of him. I was so nervous I practically vomited while dialing his number. I am so happy he was not at home because I was a nervous wreck I was able to calm down. The second call was the machine. Third charming time his roomate picked up and his roomate could not understand my accent. I told his roomate to write it was an Emergency.
I got a phone call at 10:45 at night it was Jake panicing asking if I'm alright. I said "Jake, I hope you react to this the way I need you to." He began to breath a little harder. "Well, I was on the phone with my father(Jake: Uh huh and?) Well, Jake its confirmed. (Jake:Whats confirmed?) The tickets to England."
He was so excited... It gave me hope. I love you I can't wait to see you.

PLANES TERRIFY ME

ELECTION DAY

2004-11-02T12:44:37Z

Subj: ELECTION DAY!
Date: 11/2/2004 7:43:26 AM Eastern Standard Time
From: Ayla1188
To: Jake.Barr@newcastle.ac.uk

JAKE! I voted today! I've been dreaming about voting for the president of the United States since I was 4 years old saying "Read my lips! No new taxes," my mom brought me into the voting booth and I slipped the switch for George Bush Sr. What a lesson I learned when my dad lost his job and my family lost our house. I was a Democrat for life after that. Anyway, right before I left I put on your Liverpool shirt and ran over to the voting booth at 7 am and Voted Kerry-Edwards! I thought you would appreciate the gesture. I almost teared up in the voting booth since the last time I went I was 12 years old and they said that was age limit to accompany anyone. So in my voting experience I voted with my mother Bush, Clinton, Clinton...on my own Kerry. Pray for my country Jake even if you think its too religious for your taste. We need some help over here.
Missing you and Loving you in (stupid) America,
Christina

Halloween 2004

2004-11-01T19:07:21Z

My Grandmother used to sing this son all the time in her room. She would then yell "Christi! Ven aqui!" I would venture into her room and she'd toss holy water in my face before I even had a chance to step fully through the doorway. I will provide an English and Portugese version of the Lyrics please enjoy. It reminds me of someone and a certain day.

Lambada(English Version) Lyrics

Now he's gone away, the only man who's ever made me cry
Not so far away, far enough to make me wanna die
Crying over me, is what he's gonna be
when he's hit by the need of my love
Crying he will be, when he's dreamin' of me, and decides he needs what once was
All the memories follow me wherever I may go
Haunting melodies playing in the night to let me know
Dance along with me with the sun and the sea
Only love makes what feels so sublime
Do a dance w/ me to a love fantasy
That for one precious moment was mine

Crying he will be, when he's thinking of me, and concedes to the need to be loved
Crying he will be, when he's dreaming of me, and decides that he needs what once was

Dance along w/ me Mr. Sun, Mr. Sea keep the feeling so strong and so tender
Do a dance w/ me to a love fantasy just for one day of total surrender

PORTUGESE

Chorando se foi quem um dia so me fez chorar
Chorando se foi quem um dia so me fez chorar

Chorando estara ao lembrar de um amor
Que um dia nao soube cuidar
Chorando estara ao lembrar de um amor
Que um dia nao soube cuidar

A recordacao vai estar com ele aonde for
A recordacao vai estar pra sempre aonde for

Danca sol e mar guardarei no olhar
O amor faz perder encontrar
Lambando estarei ao lembrar que este amor
Por um dia um instante foi rei

A recordacao vai estar com ele aonde for
A recordacao vai estar pra sempre aonde for

Chorando estara ao lembrar de um amor
Que um dia nao soube cuidar

Cancao riso e dor melodia de amor
Um momento que fica no ar

I-I-I
Losenta Lambada

God it hurts...........

2004-10-28T18:25:03Z

Jabba7805: I loved you
Jabba7805: I loved everything about you. (maybe)
Jabba7805: I will probably always love you
Jabba7805: Your very special christina
Jabba7805: I thought about you everyday
Jabba7805: You keep me up at night
Jabba7805: I couldnt understand why the girl of y dreams lived thousands of miles away
Jabba7805: i still havent got over you
Jabba7805: Speaking to you on the phone made me so happy
Jabba7805: all of my friends where laughing at me for being so happy
Jabba7805: I'm sorry i made you sad. I trully am
Jabba7805: I stil love you
Jabba7805: I always will. Love is a bitch
Jabba7805: yeah i was a twat. He should hate me
Jabba7805: i dont really cry anymore
Jabba7805: I couldnt sleep properly for weeks though
Jabba7805: You were all i thought about
Jabba7805: It was the same after speaking to you on the phone
Jabba7805: I didnt get to sleep till 4am
Jabba7805: So i just sat up and read the da vinci code and tried not to think about how hopless life was
Jabba7805: It feels like i've thrown away a chance at happiness
Jabba7805: Do you understand?
Jabba7805: Life would be different if i could see you everyday

Coming with Orlando

2004-10-27T17:56:30Z

From Ayla1188@aol.com
Sent Wednesday, October 27, 2004 1:45 pm
To Jake.Barr@newcastle.ac.uk
Cc CHRISTINA.HILL@huskymail.uconn.edu
Bcc
Subject Coming
Attachments 01 - Coming.mp3 4.3MB

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My Professor Posted up the song I LOVE from Orlando...(Please Rent the Movie) I gave her the Soundtract and told her I would be so happy if she shared the song during out Gender Lectures. She did and I feel very respected.
Something you might not have known about me>>> Becuase we are now studying gender in my Feminism in the Arts Class, it reminded me of a part of my childhood I completely forgotten.
When I was growing up I did not want to be a girl! Haha Well you kind of knew that when I would say I was a man in a woman's body. Something many people around me just can't relate to...Wanting to be a different gender. Boys could run around crazying jumping off of things and spitting. So I would put my hair in a cap and run around playing with GI Joes and spit every chance I got. I reveled in not brushing my hair and NEVER wearing dresses. I Loved when people asked me if I was a boy or a girl. Sometimes I said I was a boy to see if I could get away with it. When I did I totaly felt exhilerated.
Well, my birthday came up and a boy that had a crush on me came to my room and said he found something. All my friends thought I might have left someting in his room at one point. He pulls out a CD and it was the Orlando Soundtrack. My eyes got wide and I smacked him over the head with it then said, "You didn't find this liar!" I ran to the Stereo and played a song I've been dreaming about owning since I was seven years old.
(I read the book in 8th grade. It is by Virginia Wolfe, and early 20th cent. femenist writer) Not until Femenism in the Arts class when I knew th answer to every questing with dates and names to back I realized how emersed I was in Femenist Culture and Queer Culture. Memories of hanging out with Drag Queens in Dupont Circle at 4 am when I was 13 years old came to mind. Being slightly jealous but with more admiraton about my cousin who in his transition to a woman had bigger breats on horomones than I did at 15, and wondering at age 10 years old why he would possibly want to steal my sisters makeup since make up was so disgusting!
So at age 11 my sister rented this movie and I watched it with so much awe. Orlando became a woman but was the same person. One day I'd wake up in a tomb a man and be really happy. Ha ha. Well lets say I accepted my vagina and am very happy BUT I can't forget that time when being in the blurry grey of gender roles and rules I was allowed between 6 - 15.

Coming Lyrics

I am coming! I am coming!
I am coming through!
Coming across the divide to you

In this moment of unity
feeling an ecstacy
to be here, to be now
At last I am free

Yes at last, at last
to be free of the past
and the future that beckons me

I am coming! I am coming!
Here I am!
Neither a woman, nor a man

We are joined, we are one
With the human face
We are joined, we are one
With the human face

I am on earth
And I am in outer space
I'm being born and I am dying

I am on earth
And I am in outer space
I'm being born and I am dying

I am coming! I am coming!
I am coming through!
Coming across the divide to you

In this moment of unity
feeling an ecstacy
to be here, to be now
At last I am free!

Yes at last, at last
to be free of the past
and the future that beckons me

Yes at last, at last
to be free of the past
and the future that beckons me

I am coming! I am coming!
Here I am!
Neither a woman, nor a man

Oh we are joined, we are one
with the human face
Oh we are joined, we are one
with the human face

At last I am free!
At last I am free!

I am on earth
And I am in outer space
I'm being born and I am dying

I am on earth
And I am in outer space
I'm being born, I am dying

At last I am free!
At last I am free!!!

Yes at last, at last, at last I'm free!
Yes at last, at last, at last I'm free!

PS If this doesn't send through then just enjor the Lyrics

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I spoke with Jake on the phone. I received a package from him. I also spoke over instand message. He is still very much in my heart. This is going to be a long journey together but seperated. I miss him I love him no matter what. He said he "I love you" on the phone. It brought me to tears. How can love exist in world where we die and do not know what happens after. Is love spiritual? Because this love is adding a whole different demension to my life. Does the now known existence of love to me mean that there will be existence after my life that is just as bitter sweet but permanent?

I love you and miss you deeply. You gave me hope and inspiration. My heart started beating again but with less fury after you went back home. Its sving its strength for when it can beat hard in your arms again.

George is so special and I feel so torn. God Bless everyone in my life good and bad.

"I am a Coward" John R. Yaws [Dedicated to Jake]

2004-10-26T16:47:06Z

I fear to face the man I shave’s
Facade and web of lies-
In truth I see a coward there
When looking in his eyes.
While others look, and they suppose
That I am quite the man-
I know that I've a failure been
Since first that I began.
A craven? Ah, the dreadful shame
Much rather one would die.
Of all the cowards I have known
The worst by far, is I.